im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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