He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize