I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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