Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
