I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
