I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize