I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
