if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
