Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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