i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
