i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
