I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
