On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
