And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
