I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
