You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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