So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
