Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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