Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
