My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize