Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
where are my eyebrows?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
