Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
