Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
