I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
