Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
