Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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