I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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