She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize