Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
