So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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