My room smells like vodka and shame
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
