I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
As shirtless as possible
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
