I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
