My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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