oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
