I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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