I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
