Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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