so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
