literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
