My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
