in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
