Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
