so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
