Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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