took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Quick, to the slutcave!
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Damn victory sex feels great
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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