u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
