i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize