we're chasing vodka with high fives
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
