I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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