Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
