Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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