my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
