we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
