this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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