when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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