You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
