i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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