good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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