i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
